threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
