I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
