Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
