So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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