Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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