just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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