Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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