Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
