Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
