someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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