I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
