I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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