Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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