My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
sarcasm needs its own font
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
