I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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