I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Sorry my hands just texted you
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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