# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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