the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
