I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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