Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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