I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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