I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
