im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
