I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
