Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Enjoy the penises
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
