I puked a lego.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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