dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
