I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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