Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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