I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
