a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
