Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
