every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
please don't ironically join a cult
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