Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
