Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
