Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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