Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
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I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
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I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
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