Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
