Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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