I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I stole a fireplace last night.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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