Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
