So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
