i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I will pee on everything he values.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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