I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
