I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
