mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
