Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Girls should come with a carfax report
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
