I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
3 2 1 whiskey
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Randomize
