I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
