what day is it and did you see me today?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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