A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
