I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
