His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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