the condom got lost in my hair
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
