I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
