What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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