Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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