sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
